One thing that I have down to a science is celebrating Christmas and New Years. Both holidays have been functioning in a similar fashion for the past 8 years and I can safely say that I am an authority on the topic and am entitled to instructing you on how to similarly enjoy these holidays.
Christmas Eve is an essential part of the Christmas celebration and must include a yankee swap. Some prefer the term, "the grab" or "the white elephant", but those people are wrong and the only accurate term to use is yankee swap. Our yankee swap has ebbed and flowed in levels of classiness over the years and I think this year it was at a peak. Of course, that's assuming that the definition of class is alcohol and food gadgets. Given the past years where gift choices have included oversized underwear and NC-17 rated sexual paraphernalia, I'd say we've thankfully hit a high.
I personally brought a no-bake gingerbread house making kit and Adam brought a classy selection of two BBQ sauces and a hot sauce. Not to spoil the end, but I tragically ended up being traded from and given the BBQ sauces. We are considering returning them for cash since we have the receipt.
All I really wanted was this reindeer pillow pet so I promptly stole it from the person before me. Because pillow pets are where it's at, it was stolen from me shortly thereafter, thereby leaving me with BBQ sauce.
If one were to do an anthropological study on our family yankee swap in order to deduce our value systems and our culture, one would conclude that we subsist off of hard alcohol and junk food. Here is just a selection because everything else at the swap was essentially just duplicates on the same theme
If you were wondering, Adam ended up with the chocolate fountain. Which really means that I ended up with a chocolate fountain.
Moving on to Christmas day. It is essential to only get 5 hours of sleep the night before, wake up at dawn and eat cinammon buns and open gallons of presents from your in-laws
Now, while I said I was an expert on the topic of Christmas, I never said I was a member of the corresponding religion. To delineate this for the family, I am made to wear a Hanukkah Hat
I can not cover the vast amounts of gifts that I received, so I will show the most important ones
A dis-member-able zombie
Two different types of donut makers. Importantly, however, the one on the left makes donuts while the one on the right makes a donut-shaped cake. Not a cake-shaped donut. Got it?
And beccause all I really want in the world are the tools with which to entertain my cat
I wear my interests on my sleeve and therefore receive very appropriate gifts.
While opening gifts and, in fact, beginning about 18 hours before you open gifts, it is important to be watching A Christmas Story on repeat on TBS.
It's a pink nightmare!!!
Now, just like the holidays, this blog entry is necessarily never-ending as we now must examine the appropriate New Years Eve procedures.
To begin, you must utilize any applicable Christmas gifts in preparation for your New Years Eve party. Such as your donut-cake molds.
Next you must have guests bring drink umbrellas to put in whatever variety of alcohol you will be drinking that evening, regardless of it's level of girliness
You must play at least three board games.
One of which MUST be Cranium
And one of which MUST require you to create a snorkel out of household items and wear it for the remainder of the evening
To ancient times and distant music, indeed!
For intake, there must be inordinate amounts of champagne and chinese food
To decompress after a long evening, New Years Eve television offers the oppurtunity to watch has-been musical stars do mash-ups of their has-been hits. Here, clearly, I refer to the Backstreet Boys and New Kids On The Block
And, as always, please provide a comfortable and safe hiding environment for your cat
